Love of Doors

I had the coolest experience yesterday.  A wild hair led me somewhere spectacular.  

Needing to give my boring ol' front door a touch-up, I found myself at Lowe's picking a new color.  I live in a cookie cutter house in a cookie cutter neighborhood in a cookie cutter boom town (and I’ve discovered that ‘cookie cutter’ and ‘beige’ are pretty much the same thing). The idea of adding a 'splash' of color might be acceptable, but a shocking front door may not be... but I just couldn't help myself.  I went with SEA BREEZE which is more like... well, you'll see.  

I expected that my color choice wasn’t likely to be lauded by my neighbors.  Until the paint covered the entire door, even I wasn’t sure if I’d love it.  While painting in my driveway, a sixth grade boy in the neighborhood, whom I adore, let me know, "Miss Susan, this is a FAIL."   His dad mentioned that it looked like "Florida vomited on your front door," with a stern warning that neighborhood covenants probably wouldn't allow it.  Still, in the face of what I knew to expect, I couldn't help but GRIN.  

This door made me happy.  I hung it as fast as I could, and each time I'd pass by it I'd feel a tinge of surprise and elation.  Surging underneath my skin were the emotions of "war against the machine" mixing with that surprising experience of washing freshly cut hair and realizing something was different.  I felt downright brazen about my scandalous self... and ALIVE.

I have a thing for Doors.  It's their symbolic and architectural beauty, and maybe the possibilities that lurk just a hinge-swing away.  I've photographed thousands of doors in multiple countries, and I admit I love them.... but never have I felt excitement about my OWN door. My own doors have gone unnoticed by me for a long time.  But, I'm hearing the creaky sound of a door opening... and I like it. 

I've been "easy going" my whole life.  The compliant middle child,  a class officer with good grades, and an athlete.  There was nothing exceptional about me, just enough good stuff happening that I flew stealth-like under the radar.   I grew up to be, get this, easy going and compliant.  Yeah.   As a bonus, I was excellent at fitting in to any group of people or any situation, which meant I could subconsciously assess who others needed me to be and transform into that MUCH more easily than I could stand in my own identity.  

Eventually, I realized I wanted to be who I was designed & created to be.  The trouble was that I didn’t know who I was, so I simply tried on different personas to figure out which, if any, fit.  As you can likely guess, my dress-up version of self discovery wasn’t a huge success.  It was easier to be the easy going person that was likable and laid back.  So, I kept the door to who I really was neatly closed.   

But my life’s had a bit of a SEA BREEZE makeover, like my front door.  This year I've been living a whole new life, and I've come to terms with the fact that the truest version of me likes risk and change.  I played it safe because that’s what you do when you’re living in the expectations of others.  But lately, I’ve been less of my people-pleasing self.   

I’m no longer living the corporate life.  I’m now the owner of a little bitty business that’s just barely paying my way (though it's going to grow into  something amazing).  Every single thing in my life is outside ‘normal’ at this point, and I’ve experienced satisfaction and freedom in it.   

I've decided that I'm not willing to live my life passively.  I want ALL that I can get out of this life.  I have decided conflict is okay.  Dating may become a 'thing' again.  Maybe I don't need to be so staunchly independent.  Maybe I can let my femininity win out over man-like strength.  I want to look around, see what God is doing in the world and join in.  Maybe I'll get a few scrapes and bruises along the way.  That's okay. Already this year has had it's painful moments.  Some good blunders.  A few poor choices.  But it has been so exhilarating, as well.  So profoundly rewarding.  

I hear my new Sea Breeze door opening, and I’m racing through it, anticipating falling breathless with scraped knees into a whole new world of possibilities for my life… and this feels GOOD.